Gone

I have a very calm awareness today of Reason's absence from my life, a sweet sadness. Almost as if it's taken me this full two years to let my breath out. I'd been holding my breath since that last two weeks, since those last few minutes, perhaps even since I first learned of her lymphoma diagnosis, and I guess if I'm honest, even back to that first day, when she was riding home with me to be mine. I remember the moment when it dawned on me, that one day she would be gone.

Last night, I looked at Meister cat sitting on my bed, and it felt so odd for him to be here without Reason. She helped me take care of Meister and Mitzi. Reason helped me with everything. There Meister sat, and Reason gone so long. The same home, the same job, the same me, but no Reason. Life is a little different. There are two wonderful dogs, Jules and Luna. But even that isn't so different because Reason and I always rescued dogs. She so often endured nipping at her heels by strange new dogs waiting with us for their new forever homes. It wasn't until she was older that I decided to take a break from rescue, so that her senior years were a bit less stressful.

Everything was me and Reason. I cherished our moments. I cherished her affect on my life. She was my anchor, my focus, my balance, my comrade.

On our last visit to the Rose Garden, her sweetness was so evident. She ran up through the mud with her little waggling tail to say hello to the girl sitting in the pavilion reading. I hold onto that moment because for that moment Reason was there. Her little soul was alive. She wasn't sick. She wasn't dying. It gives me such relief to remember she had such last moments of her own happiness. Just like when we walked around Cameron Village on that last Sunday. Her tail wagged as she watched and greeted people. The very day we went to the vet for the last time I carried her in, and a male staff genuinely greeted her and rubbed her little head, and she perked up. She was happy to greet him.

Then once I layed her down on the table, she was ready to rest. Like she grabbed the very last sweetness she could out of life. Not only did Reason teach me about loving, but she started my understanding of being.